Cement Heart

tonight is unlike any other night.  tonight is the first time i've thought about an unsolved mystery since, well, a prolonged amount of time.

i never share my emotions because for a minute (or longer), i believed myself to be that particular individual who didn't possess any emotions at all.  a "Cement Heart" is what i refer it to, and to some, i simply fibbed that i didn't even have a heart.  that's probably why all of my post-2o1o romances have failed.  i wasn't quite there.  i probably never will be.

yes, this unsolved mystery is a gentleman.  a man i met during Christmas 2006, whom i shared an unforgettable connection and experience with, and whom i have thought of often within the most recent 18 months.  and tonight, just for a brief moment, hope struck the center of my chest.  (i could have sworn i've felt this feeling before.)

for the past year and a half, i have been trying to fall OUT of love.  they say falling in love is easy.  FALSE.  it took me nearly 5 years to fall in love with my mystery.  or i think i was already in love with him while he was dating someone else, but i didn't realize it until he found me.  the most glorious experience which can be summed up in one quick quote:

"Love is a many, splendored thing.  Love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!" 

after we separated, i knew i had to move on.  that term is so cynical and vague.  "move on."  it's as if i'm the tiny orphan waiting in line for purple porridge and as i stare at the lumpy goop, the rascals in line behind me shove their rusted spoon into my back while exclaiming "move on, move on, move on!"

nonetheless, moving on has been a slow and unsuccessful process.  the last thing he told me was that he could never love someone while he was still in love.  assuming he meant me, i concluded this as an intermission of our love.  there never was appropriate "closure," and i haven't heard from him, nor do i expect to.

in an episode of I Love Lucy, Lucy and Ethel steal John Wayne's cement hand/footprints from Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.  while in the process, the heist goes terribly wrong when Lucy gets her foot stuck in a bucket of pure, wet cement.  inevitably, Ricky later finds out about their scheme and is furious.  Alas, Ricky's anger yields a terrible accident in which Lucy and Ethel drop the block, causing it to break into a thousand bits.

this infamous scene is completely comparable to my heart.  it's been admired, it's been wanted, it's been stuck, it's been stolen, it's been angered and it's been broken.  *undoutedly, love is a mystery, much like life itself.  and living a life without love... honestly, you can't consider it "living" at all.  i want to love again, but i need to find a way out of this cement bucket.  Lucy schemed her way out, so there must be a way.  there's always a way.  always.